Speed Racer

Once again, catching up on movies from earlier in the year...

I watched Speed Racer on dvd this past weekend (technically Blu-Ray, but I won't brag). I can pretty much save you 2 hours and 15 minutes of your life and sum it up this way:

1. Get a large piece of paper approximately the size of your tv set. If you want to be a snob like me, make sure it is in the proper widescreen aspect ratio. A standard tv tube sized piece just won't do this justice.

2. Get the nearest 2 to 5 year old child you have handy access too, and hand them a large selection of those squeeze finger paint tubes, in as many colors as you can possibly gather.

3. Tell the child to splatter, mix, match, swirl, splatter and use any other technique to get as many colors on the paper at any time as they can.

4. Give said child at least two toy race cars. Doesn't matter if they look like the Speed Racer one, you really won't care. Tell child to pretend to have the cars race all around on the paper. Bonus points if they constantly make the cars crash into each other, bounce upside down off of each other, and break another other elemental law of physics.

5. Cut a picture of Matthew Fox and John Goodman out of a magazine, attach them to sticks, have the child occasionally wave those in front of you for 4 or 5 seconds.

6. Repeat step 4 for at least an hour and half.

You can thank me for saving you some of your time at least later.